Yesterday afternoon, a post from a good friend, caught my attention.
That's the photo he posted. The English translation simply caught my attention and tears fell from my eyes.
So what will we do?
Make love
Sure?
Yes
Excellent, I'll take off my clothes
And why are you taking off your clothes?
Well... so... we can do it
Who told you that you need to do that to make love?
Well it's what I know. It's done like that...
No, that is not love. It's possession.
I don't understand. Then how is it done?
Just leave your clothes on and let's talk till we get tired, until we try to decipher each other, until we know each other's memories, until we know each others deepest secrets, until I'm happy just by seeing you, until these eyes get tried and you tell me to sleep.
And you will force them to stay open?
Yes, only to look at you.
(credits to Diego Galan for the Spanish Prose and the English Translation as well)
I am a lover of letters and words. I love sending original poems and compositions to my loved ones. I am a sucker for sending intentional and personalized messages. So reading stuff like this puts me to tears and I feel like each line speaks to me and reading the entire thing again and again is mind blowing.
Since the start of the year 2016, a lot of people are asking me "bakit wala ka pang love life?" I jokingly say "walang spark." In reality, I don't encourage myself to believe in spark and chemistry when it comes to love. This is not a fairy tale, duh?!? So it ends up everyone would tell me "ipapakilala kita kay ganito. Baka bitter ka lang sa past mo." Which makes me sad because some people keeps on judging me without knowing my past, that dark past.
To be honest, I am having a hard time understanding those people who likes to rush things. I do not get it why some people love to settle in shallow seas while they have the capability to swim in deep oceans. I wonder why some people want others to treat them like a hidden treasure while treating themselves like a cheap find.
I actually fear being criticized as a "cheap woman" that's why I really try to put an effort when I dress up. I wanna look descent and worth of anyone's respect. I am careful with my actions and as much as possible, I do not entertain "green" stuff. I do not even engage myself with talks about sex and those of malice.
However, as I live that kind of life, I never realized that I was building walls of fear and I limit myself to have an open mind. I forgot that at the end of the day, it is okay to listen but doing what you know is wrong is the wrong thing. I forgot that I should allow myself to be more understanding why those things are happening.
So, when May 31, 2014 came, that worst day of my life -- that day wherein six men ruined my womanhood, framed me up, put a rape drug at my water bottle and stole my innocence. The day wherein I just want to die and get lost because of I was so ashamed of myself. I was so ashamed because I was not careful enough. I was too careful that I forgot that crimes happen anytime, anywhere and that anyone can transform as a criminal. I trusted people too much to the point that I was taken for granted.
Depression attacked me. Anxiety, loss of self-worth and bitterness became a habit for me. So I ended up not saying anything to anyone. I pretended that I am okay because I do not want to be a burden to anyone, including my family. I found security in pleasing people, I found security in pretending that I am okay. I found security from those people who praises me and calls me "beautiful". I found security from my new friends, new work and new journey.
However, I thought, I was totally okay. I thought, I was willing to forgive and forget. BUT NO. When they came back, I was so afraid. I was trying to run away, but I got tired. And just like in the story, the thought "Sige, hayaan ko na lang silang hubaran ako at dalhin ako sa kung saan man. Tutal, fuck girl naman na ako. Wala nang mawawala. Baka nga love works that way." popped up in my mind. But, THANK GOD! Someone helped me and assisted me to the nearest coffee shop. And that's the time I called a good friend of mine. She was the first one who knew what happened to me.
Help came, thank God. Also, I was able to file a case. However, I lost the case due to lack of evidence. No one wanted to testify and stand up with me. I felt betrayed. I felt that I really cannot trust anyone. I even asked God "Lord, bakit Ka ganyan? Bakit Mo ako hinayaang matalo? Bakit hindi ako tinulungan nung mga tao na pinagkatiwalaan ko?"
God answered me IN WAYS I DO NOT EXPECT. God brought people who felt betrayed. God brought me to situations that I will be betrayed more and more each day. God brought me to the lowest point of my life wherein -- I became an individualist, I hated working in teams, I quietly blame men for being "manyak", I quietly blame prostitutes, I am silently blaming media for showing that sex outside marriage is okay and group sex is merrier, I quietly blame my relatives for being adulterers, and I blame God for allowing these things to happen.
But, God didn't allow me to be in that state forever. He orchestrated me to become a part of a start-up group and He made sure that I will meet people whom I can treat as sisters without any hesitations. God even made sure that I will be equipped as He prepares me to become a full-time artist.
My heart was really shattered into pieces. That season in my life just broke me into pieces. However, all things work together for our good. That brokenness is a work in progress towards wholeness. That shattered heart is a work in progress as He make it whole again.
And because of knowing that God works that way, I am still and keep on praying that, if it is God's will for me to marry someone, that guy will tell me these lines: "...let's talk till we get tired, until we try to decipher each other, until we know each other's memories, until we know each others deepest secrets, until I'm happy just by seeing you..."
Yes. I am still afraid of heartaches. I am still afraid that probably what happened to my past will happen again. Yes. I am afraid of seeing my heart broken into shattered pieces again. Yes, I should overcome my fears but, today, not pleasing God is my greatest fear. I am also afraid that I will not be able to make an impact to other people because of my past.
But, no. This year, I will do my best to overcome my fears, I will tear down my walls and will face all the challenges that will come without any fear because God is on my side. Yes, that past will haunt me BUT I DARE TO BELIEVE THAT THE MAN WHO WILL TREAT ME LIKE A PRECIOUS GEM WILL COME, in His time.
For now, I will focus on my journey as a full time artist and I will not be afraid to share that season in my life -- for in that season, I experienced nothing but Jesus.
Folks, please pray with me that I will not breakdown again and pray that as I walk in this "work in progress" recovery, I will be ready to fall in love again soon. I will be ready to accept heart breaks again soon. For now, all I ask is, let me be vulnerable.
It's okay to be vulnerable.
It's okay to be imperfect.
It's okay to be weak.
It's okay to cry.
It's okay to ask help.
Yes, it's okay to be vulnerable.
It's okay to recognize that there is Someone stronger than you.
It is okay to acknowledge that at some point you understand that no one understands you.
It is okay to fear that no one's gonna be with you.
It is okay to depend on Someone who is Infinitely Powerful.
It is okay to say I need to see and witness something supernatural in my weakness.
Yes, it's okay to be vulnerable because Someone who humbles Himself is willing to walk with you and make you whole again.
This journey is not really about being perfect.
This journey is about being made whole by that Someone who is watching us above and keeps on doing wonders in this world we treat as hopeless.
Before I end this, let me thank you for reading this post. Thank you for reading what my heart beats for and what my mind wants to shout to the universe. Thank you for understanding that this is my way of being courageous of saying my imperfections. Thank you for existing here on earth. May you not do the things I did wrong. May you learn how to open doors and shut doors at the same time. May you tear down your walls of hatred and the thoughts of "I will not be like those bad people because I am good." Allow yourself to be human.
"I hope that in this year to come,
you make mistakes.
Because if you are making mistakes,
then you are making new things,
trying new things, learning, living,
pushing yourself, changing yourself,
changing your world.
You're doing things
you've never done before,
and more importantly,
you're doing something."
- Neil Gaiman
